Ashes Falling Like Snow
by Ageless Writer
Summary: Tags to Hair of the Dogs.) What if no one knew about the trap, about the bomb? What if Johnny had died instead of pretending too? Mike is feeling guilty as the Graceland Team performs their memorial service for Johnny Tuturro. After all, it was his op, his mess... RIght? Songfic, sort of. Nevermind about songfics.*eyeroll* Oneshot. Implied Johnny and Mike if you squint.


**Ashes Like Snow**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own original characters. The song is Lily Kershaw's. A few lyrics shall be integrated, but not all. Please listen to the song while reading.**

**Never mind. For those who would rather read the Real story the way I intended, send me an email and I will email it to you. Apparently, lyrics cannot be included, though I know many others do anyway and I have yet to see them reported. Oh well, because I like this fic, I will comply to the rules that are apparently there even though I've yet to see them. Here goes. Again.**

**Warnings: Major Character Death**

**A "What if" Scenario for Hair of the Dogs.**

Mike wasn't paying attention as Briggs gave his speech to the team at their personal memorial service. His mind was drifting, wandering around, replaying the week before over and over in his head. Tears began to fall and he began to tremble, memories overcoming him as Briggs spoke, his words falling on deaf ears. Charlie must have noticed Mike's shaking, her arms were wrapped around him, hugging him, holding him. But her comfort was for naught, his mind had already crossed over...

-Earlier the previous week-

Mike and Briggs were trying to find someone with diver training, when Johnny spoke up. "Hey guys. I was a Navy Seal, ya know? Well... A trainee anyway." Mike turned to look at him, mouth gaping.

"Seriously? That's amazing! Briggs, we could use Johnny."Mike answered the question of 'who'. Briggs shook his head.

"Johnny is an Ex though. Never completed training. Makes me nervous."Briggs answered. Johnny flashed his megawatt smile.

"Aw Pauly. Trust me. I can do this. Wanna use me?"Johnny offered, his smile becoming contagious as Briggs gave in, a smile gracing his hardened features.

"Alright. Alright. Johnny's our diver."

-Present-

Mike swore mentally. He should have stopped them, should have talked Johnny out of it. But he was so sure. He often was, almost to the point of absolute arrogance. Mike shook, wanting to pay attention to what was being said. Paige had now taken Briggs' place speaking.

"I was so glad to call him my friend, to know I could lean on him if I needed too. If anyone looked at him, they'd see him as a goofball, a play boy, the pretty boy. All superficial. But if you really got to know him, when you pulled back the layers, he cared deeply for everyone, always wanted to play the hero. He's saved us all at one point, I wish we could have saved him..."Paige began, her voice starting to drown in Mike's mind.

It was his fault. Johnny's death. If he had found a way to check the torpedo earlier, to see if it was bombed, he wouldn't have died. He'd be alive. Laughing. Joking... Holding him...

-Right before Bello's meet-

Mike was shaking, anxious. He knew he had a big day tomorrow, that he needed to sleep. But sleep wouldn't come to him. He sighed, getting up and making his trip to Johnny's room, a trip he had memorized by now. The man was his lifeline, his confidant. The man who chased away his nightmares about Eddie's suicide, about Abby finding out, and about himself changing.

Mike stopped at the door to JT's room, knocking. "It's open Mikey."a familiar voice answered. Mike walked in, smiling softly as he watched the older man sit on the bed, only in his boxers, his tattoos on display.

"How'd you know it was me? I could've been Briggs or Charlie."Mike asked, sitting beside the Hispanic man on the bed. Johnny chuckled and laid down, propping on his pillows.

"Honestly? It's because you come in all the time now. You know, keep it up and the team may think you're my boyfriend."Johnny answered, his teasing tone making Mike chuckle.

"Maybe I want them to think that. Some undercovers work, you know?"Mike managed to quip back, winking. Johnny laughed, proud that he had finally managed to get the younger agent to loosen up. After awhile of talking, Johnny became serious.

"Worried about tomorrow? 'Cause you shouldn' be. I'm a great diver. I know what I'm doing. And I know you and Briggs have got my six."Johnny told the younger agent. Mike sighed.

"I know... I'm just... Nervous... You know? Like... Something doesn't feel right..."Mike rambled. Johnny only smiled as he listened, nodding.

"Look. You can sleep in here tonight if you want since you've been doing it more and more anyway. I don't mind."Johnny carefully pulled the younger man to him, allowing Mike to rest his head on his chest. He snuggled close, closing his eyes. He murmured a 'thank you' before dozing off. And then Johnny had done something, obviously thinking Mike was too far gone, that shocked Mike. He kissed the top of his head, murmuring something in Spanish that he couldn't quite catch, but reassured him all the same...

-The Present-

Mike felt a hand on his shoulder and snapped out of his head space, looking to see who it was. DJ. "Wanna say something?"the black man asked, his voice and tone gentler from his usual gruffness. The blond teared up, still shaken.

"I-I... I don't trust my voice... Right now..."Mike answered. DJ nodded, understanding how the poor kid must have been feeling. With that, one of Johnny's favorite songs was played as the team left Johnny's old room. Mike saw Charlie, stopped her. "Did... He have any family...? We should... Notify them..."Mike's voice quivered. Charlie hugged him.

"He's only got a brother. Anthony. He's in prison on drug charges, but I told him... About Johnny... He... He seemed upset, but, like Johnny, he tried to joke it off... Mom died a few years ago, a heart attack. Father's been dead for awhile..."Charlie told him. Mike nodded shaking. She smiled weakly. "Most of us are headed to Hector's. Gonna get a vodka and a taco in his honor... Coming?"she asked. Mike shook his head, not wanting to be in a crowd of people only to panic.

Charlie nodded, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He wandered back into his room, all but collapsing on his bed, sobbing for his friend as that dreadful day played over and over again...

-The Ocean, the recon-

Johnny had been suited up, ready for action, and was about to dive into the water. He flashed a smile at Mike before jumping into the water. Moments later, he made a call to them through his walkie-talkie.

"We may have a situation."Johnny spoke, his voice filtering through his suit. Bello glared at the device.

"What kind of problem are you talking about?"the Nigerian asked, his tone not boding well for anyone.

"A bomb's been attached... I can try to diffuse it, but I've never seen them wired this way before..."came the reply. Mike felt his heart race, praying that Bello would call him off. Of course, things aren't that easy.

"Diffuse it or you will have nothing."Bello shut the device off. The boat was dead silent, waiting. Abruptly, an explosion shot water up. Mike panicked and looked over the side, seeing blood float to the surface, along with the watch that Johnny always seemed to wear. Johnny... Johnny was blown up... With nothing left to bury... How?

His mind hadn't processed it, hadn't believed it until he got back to the headquarters. Paige was hugging onto Briggs and Charlie, sobbing. Charlie was holding back tears, and Briggs had a grave expression. Mike tensed, feeling his own tears well up. "Please tell me... Johnny... He's not really... Is he?"Mike had asked, his voice beginning to quiver.

"I'm sorry Mike... We... We looked everywhere after the explosion... All we saw was blood and his tank..."Briggs answered, swallowing. Mike collapsed onto his knees, sobbing. Johnny was dead. He wasn't coming home. He would never come home again...

-Present Day-

_Come back, won't you come back_

_Won't you come back to me?_

Mike sobbed into his pillow, unable to sleep or stop crying. He sat up, making his way back to Johnny's room. Opening the door, he choked back a sob as he looked over Paige and Charlie's work. The women had turned the room into a memorial for their fallen friend. A banner on the wall by the bed read "FOR OUR FALLEN HERO, OUR CLOWN, OUR FRIEND, JOESPH "JOHNNY" TUTURRO". His clothes were strewn about, bed as messy as ever. Just how he left it. The banner and some pictures of the team with Johnny were the only things changed.

The blond looked around, feeling a little calmer as the room grew warm, almost as if a presence was there. Releasing a shaky sigh, he cleared his throat. "I... Hope this isn't late or that I'm too late... But... We're gonna miss you Johnny... Miss you a lot already... You... I'm not sure what to call you, other than Johnny, as you were not just my friend. You were my guide, my confidant. And... There was also something else there... I'm not sure what it was... Love maybe? Or companionship? Anyway... It... You... You were very important to me... And I wish... I wish I could have you back... Wish you were okay..."Mike spoke, wishing to say so much more than that, but his voice was taken away by sobs.

He caught sight of Johnny's favorite hoodie, the red one, and grabbed it. Mike thought he'd feel closer to Johnny by wearing it, so he put it on, inhaling the scent of Johnny's cologne and the ocean's salt water. Mike bit his lip, walking back to his room. He laid down, burying his face into the hoodie's sleeves, trying to sleep. Trying to put his friend's death out of his mind...

Sleep didn't come to Mike, he didn't think it would. The only time he ever really fell asleep anymore... Johnny was the one who was holding him, who guarded him from the dangers in his sleep. Kept him from nightmares. And now... Johnny Tuturro was gone..

Mike swore up and down, screaming into a pillow, his face becoming red from tears and anger. His friend was gone. It was his fault. His stupid mission got his friend killed. Got his best friend killed. Before he could tell him...

Glancing at his desk drawer, he opened it, finding a letter he wrote about a week or so ago, to Johnny. A letter he never gave the older man. One where he... Finally admitted, not just to the paper, but to himself, that he was in love with Johnny. And now... Johnny would never know. Would never get to know.

Mike recalled a newspaper article about a letter attached to a balloon; it was supposed to go Heaven, so a little girl could tell her grandpa 'goodbye'. He took the letter and looked around his desk, finding the balloons he bought for Charlie to use on Briggs' surprise party (next month), he took one and left for the basement, find the helium. He blew the balloon up, attaching the letter before sending it out a window, into the air. Hoping it would find Johnny...


End file.
